While most people tend to think families, marriage, and various other relationships are quite straight forward and simple to understand (myself included), there’s a lot more to comprehend then what meets the eye. This course went deep into the rabbit hole exploring concepts and theories on families, marriages, which relationships are successful/unsuccessful, child development, and much, much more topics that would end up consuming multiple paragraphs. I learned a lot from this course, but the biggest concept that I ended up taking away was to be more open minded on other people’s prototypes of relationships. Most theorists agree that there isn’t just one single concept of a successful relationship/family. There are so many other factors to consider such as: culture, age, background, etc. Even then, there is still a lot more to research and understand on relationships. All we have are theories that professionals are still currently researching.
This essay discusses communication, active listening, what conflict is and best ways to resolve it. It also includes an experiment that I conducted between my wife and I and then discusses the result of using active listening and resolution techniques. As I was completing this assignment, I learned a lot about the different kinds of conflict, how to engage in communication effectively, and which methods or techniques worked best for me when communicating and resolving conflict.
Positive communication is key when trying to resolve conflicts in any relationship, (e.g. marital, family, friendship, professional, etc). However, most people tend to use negative forms of communication. One of the most prominent type is the demand-withdraw communication (Strong & Cohen, 2017, p. 249). The person with the issue makes an effort to engage the other usually by means of criticism, complaints, or some change in the other’s behavior or even relationship (Strong & Cohen, 2017, p. 249). These scenarios can become more conflicting due to the other not responding, not wanting change, or engaging in another conflicting argument.
Some other conflicting communications are topic-related. There are some topics that couples have trouble with, or even avoid all together because they are more difficult to talk about (Strong & Cohen, 2017, p. 251). There are quite a few topic-related difficulties, the top five topics include: relationship doubts, disrespectful behavior, extramarital intimacy boundary issues, excessive or inappropriate display of anger, and sexual interaction (Strong & Cohen, 2017, p. 252).
While there are a lot more negative communication practices, it is more important to discuss what the positive strategies are and how to use them in real life. Multiple philosophers in life have developed their own strategies and we’ll go over the most important ones to use. The first set were coined by Kevin Zimmerman developed by Harville Hendrix.
Zimmerman’s process includes three stages: mirroring, validation, and empathy (Strong & Cohen, 2017, p. 253). In the mirroring stage, the receiver paraphrases what was heard with a following validation statement to convey that both participants are on the same page. The validation stage (which is the most difficult stage), allows the listener to acknowledge the other’s point of view even if it is non-agreeable. The last stage; empathy, allows the listener to try and feel what the other is feeling and acknowledge those feelings with statements or questions.
In addition to these three steps, there are other attributes to use when in a conflicting discussion. These are being positive, brief, specific, expressional, acknowledgeable, responsible, and helpful. Ways to accomplish these are to use words and tone of voice that are respectful (Strong & Cohen, 2017, p. 253). We should also remember to remain focused and use specifics about behaviors or examples related to the discussion topic. We should tell the other how we feel about certain things and by expressing our emotions in a calm way. We also must be able to accept some responsibility even if we feel we didn’t do anything wrong. Finally, and most importantly we must offer help which will allow our relationships to progress. If we do not offer assistance, change is unlikely to occur.
The discussion using these techniques was between my wife and myself. We have been married for only six months, however we have been together for about four years. The topic we discussed was about scheduling and organization. The conversation was rather very positive. The skills we found to be the easiest to use were using a respectful and calm voice, using specifics, and mirroring what the other was saying. We found using validation and acknowledgments a bit difficult and I found using empathy awkward at first. My wife didn’t have as much issue with using any of the techniques listed. Although using empathy and validation was a bit difficult and awkward for me, I feel like those were actually very vital to the conversation. I feel like I connected to my wife on a deeper level and I feel that using all the techniques together improved the communication between us drastically. After learning these techniques and using them in action, I’ve learned that although most couples don’t communicate this way because it’s a little awkward and difficult to do, it can improve communication between couples and their relationship.
Strong, B, & Cohen, T. F. (2017). The marriage and family experience:
Intimate relationships in a changing society (13th ed.). Belmont, CA:
Wadsworth.
For most non-married people, the question may be asked, how do you know if you’re ready to marry? Should I plan on a certain age range? When asked these questions, I initially thought it would be a straight forward answer. However, as discussed in the essay, the decision for marriage has a lot more parameters and concepts to understand. While completing this assignment, I learned about the various ways people choose their spouses, the laws that regulate who and when you can marry, and which companion theories work the best for couples long term.
Marriage seems simple and straight forward, however, when asked how do you know if you’re ready for marriage, things get a bit more complicated. In the United States, we have treated marriage to be of high importance. This is a goal most everyone wants to complete in life. So how do we know if we’re ready? How do we know who to marry? In the United States, there are legal restrictions in place that govern when, and who we can marry. These restrictions are fairly open for the most part, the biggest restrictions set in place are those of age and type of people.
Although some parameters vary by state, such as age limit, and relatives, there are a couple of restrictions that are universal throughout all 50 states. Marriage is not allowed between immediate family members (parents, children, siblings), grandparents, grandchildren, uncles, nieces, aunts and nephews (Strong & Cohen, 2017, p. 286). The other being that no one can have more than one spouse. Besides those two, independent states set their own marital restrictions. Most states require couples to be at least 18 years old to marry without parental consent (Strong & Cohen, 2017, p. 287). Another factor can include how close down the blood line relatives can marry. Same-sex marriages used to vary by state but became legal everywhere after supreme court cases.
These restrictions place a baseline for the standards and morals we can build upon in determining who, and when we marry. The most popular way of choosing a life mate is homogamy. Homogamy is the process of choosing a mate whose characteristics are similar to ours. Even though this is one of the more popular way of choosing a mate, it doesn’t guarantee that two people will fall in love this way. There are other ways theorized that we choose our partners.
The complementary needs theory states that people select spouses whose needs are different from their own (Strong & Cohen, 2017, p. 297). There is also the role or value theory which plays mostly into homogamy in the fact that we choose spouses that think as we do. Another is the parental image theory that suggests we choose partners that resemble our opposite-sex parent. There’s also the stimulus-value-role theory which states that during a magical moment, chemistry in ourselves spark couples to be together.
I believe there’s a lot more to think about and take into account before you propose. These things include: commitment, finances, and supportiveness to name a few. Before you marry someone, you need to find out if both parties are willing to commit to each other for the rest of your lives. You also want to make sure that your both financially able to marry each other; and I’m not talking about wedding expenses, finances are one of the biggest factors and can become a huge issue further down the road. You also want to make sure both will be supportive in each other’s goals. Everyone has their life goals and no one is going to give those up very easily. Everyone is different but everything discussed should provide a basic understanding on how to recognize and how to know when and who to marry.
Strong, B, & Cohen, T. F. (2017). The marriage and family experience:
Intimate relationships in a changing society (13th ed.). Belmont, CA:
Wadsworth.